attack of the clone.
diary of a roommate's life from my perspective.

09:42 a.m.: up and at 'em.
09:43 a.m.: release fluids and other undisclosed items.
09:44 a.m.: further deplete q-tip supply and leave foreign residue in overflowing ("i can't wait until my wife takes care of all this stuff...") trashcan.
09:46 a.m.: check hotmail.
09:47 a.m.: another day, no new email. no requests for your resume. lots of advertisements though. apparently these credit companies know that you are rolling in the fat cash.
09:49 a.m.: proceed to randomly surf web. comment to me about each passing page. read "attack of the clones" reviews aloud. bore me senseless. ask me again what i thought of the movie. tell me that the reviews say the acting is bad and the dialogue worse (such amazing insights...). ignore that i enjoyed the movie anyway and could give a rat's arse what some stuff-shirt in NYC thinks about it. despite having seen the movie and perhaps having formed your own opinions, continue to talk about the reviews instead. comment that you agree that the acting and dialogue were sub-standard. fail to realize that the Star Wars series is not Citizen Kane. take it very seriously. do not give George Lucas the benefit of the doubt. do not realize that he has made a grip of cash, created a compelling story, and entertained millions. focus on the merits of "good acting". fail to realize that you saw a movie starring The Rock two weeks ago.
10:00 a.m.: verbally comment that you need to shower and "get things started".
10:02 a.m.: check your hotmail account again. realize that no one has emailed you in the past 16 minutes.
10:04 a.m.: comtemplate aloud "getting things started".
10:16 a.m.: ask me how my day is going. comment that i work alot because you saw me working at 3:00 a.m. last night. forget that you didn't see me the entire ten hours before, so maybe i was making up for lost time. assume that i have no life that is not visible to your eyes. make condescending remarks. speak first, think later.
11:05 a.m.: review yet again the notion of "getting things started".
11:06 a.m.: sit down for a little Playstation 2. comment to me (as if i'm judging you or something) that you are just going to play for ten minutes and then really "get things started".
11:29 a.m.: attempt mental calculation to see if the ten minutes has passed yet.
11:31 a.m.: apologize to me for the noise the game is making. fail to realize that i don't care. fail to realize that i am not bothered by such things. continue to treat roommates based on sound textbook principles like "don't play your music too loud around them". fail to realize that they are as guilty as you for all textbook roommate violations and are therefore rather accomodating.
11:39 a.m.: leave house to undisclosed location.
12:13 p.m.: return to homestead.
12:14 p.m.: comment that downstairs toilet is no longer working.
12:15 p.m.: dismiss notion of fixing it.
12:27 p.m.: notice me walk in from the garage. comment that you saw my vehicle at the gas station garage. ask me if i'm getting my oil changed. do not inquire about the actual reason my vehicle is there. assume oil change. always assume first. never give people the option to change that. and always ask questions with embedded answers. they make people feel like you value their opinion.
12:31 p.m.: apologize again for PS2 noise.
12:34 p.m.: watch me move my worklife upstairs. consider having a roommate inventory. after all, the textbook says...
12:35 p.m.: realize that your girlfriend is indeed one of the coolest creatures on earth and an absolute Godsend.
12:36 p.m.: realize a thousand times in the next sixty seconds that she is the greatest thing to ever waltz into your life and you don't deserve her. allow it to blow your mind entirely. appear affected. get excited about her. get excited to see her. realize that she makes your life a billion times better. discuss what you like about her. avoid comments about the amount of time you have dated her. act like you at least like her.
12:37 p.m.: go back to 12:36 a.m. always go back to 12:36 a.m. always. never question that. design your life accordingly. get a good job. make her happy. think of her. create an environment that she will feel comfortable in. be the man.