the 1990s was yet another great decade in the history of mankind, responsible for such huge leaps forward as the macarena, rap/rock, and the presidency of bill clinton. but perhaps the greatest tragedy perpetuated on humankind during the '90s was the notion of the "sensitive 90's guy". maybe indeed nice guys didn't finish last after all!!! maybe girls were actually attracted to effeminate french-poetry-dribbling pansy men incapable of lifting a box or fixing a toilet!!! and so, as with every fad and farce, a new generation of underprivileged men conveniently mistook their spinelessness for sensitivity and figured it for a competitive advantage. perhaps the newly empowered female no longer wanted a secure, protective, dynamic man by her side. perhaps instead she would prefer to return home to a man who would gently embrace her and genuinely empathize with her. who would willingly wallow with her in that vast sea of female emotion.

perhaps not. women want sensitive, cuddly men that listen to their needs. right??? yeah, right... i'm not so convinced that we have evolved much further than the supposed days of the caveman. men still love to hunt. women still love to be hunted. both need a challenge and both give a challenge. and, yes, it is a game. a damn fun one. tension/release, if you will. and it takes anticipation and a poker-face to win (score is probably a better word...) the prize.

you wonder why women love rock stars / athletes / bad boys? excitement. suspense. unpredictability. ever met a woman who doesn't love a surprise? the issue with nice guys is not that they are "sensitive" or understanding or nice even. it's that they are boring and far too predicatable. eating her sushi and quiche will get you nowhere. women want to be taken, not given in to.

sadly, i recently heard from a distant friend about how this guy is incessantly telling her that he is "sensitive". what's the point of that? is that your goal, for her to know that you are "sensitive"? you are probably better off just telling her that you are merely looking for a good time and could care less about her or tomorrow. do you truly think you can trick a woman into thinking that you are "sensitive"? are you implying that she doesn't notice your behaviors and can't tell for herself if you are worthy or not? better to shut up and not say anything rather than spout unproven adjectives and shove your lame resume in her face. have some respect. your actions scream misogyny and disrespect, not sensitivity. she's on to your game.

then what is sensitivity anyway? it's a very muddled term, having two distinct faces - one divine, one horrid. one "inbound", one "outbound". when a guy says he is "sensitive", does he mean "be gentle and don't hurt my feelings?" (inbound) or "i am the lastest incarnation of Mother Theresa?" (outbound) (again, either way, don't say it).

you see, the inbound "sensitive" soul wears a fragile "how does this affect me?" lens. "why wasn't i invited?". "why doesn't she listen to me?". "why doesn't she like me?". "why did she leave me?". it's selfish insecurity.

on the contrary, the outbound "sensitive" person considers how things affect others. "i hope they had a good time". "why does she feel that way?". "what's the right thing to do in this situation". "i hope she's happy now". it's unselfish security. the non-self is the focus. which doesn't at all mean for you to go and give into everything she wants, it just means stop thinking about yourself.

women are strangely one huge sensitivity paradox - constantly both inbound ("do i look fat?") and outbound ("i feel so sorry for them") at the same time. it's amazing. when they go inbound, we cringe. and when they go outbound, we admire and fall. and because they are incessantly inbound (loving attention/admiration/etc.), we walk a fine line. sometimes they need the inbound validated ("you look great", "she didn't mean it like that"), while often they also need the inbound invalidated (by not caving in to them). yes, it's a juggling act. yes, they are crazy. no, you can't change them.

so, whatever you do, don't make your inbound heavier than theirs. lighten their load, don't increase it. don't require more attention and coddling than they do. basically, don't be another girl. that's not what they want. that will land you in the "friend zone" as easily and quickly as saying that you are gay.

don't talk about being "sensitive", just be it (outbound only remember). they will notice. just forget yourself and focus on them. shut up and listen. and then kiss them quiet.



(p.s. and disclaimer: tread lightly, geno doesn't know what he's talking about.)